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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Why hate speak hurts everyone

For as long as I can remember I've had a very low self image.  My confidence was in the toilet and I never felt good enough for anyone.  Add in a string of failed relationships  (where I was cheated on every single time....be it physically or emotionally) and thus the way I see myself is nothing like  what others see.

So, now, in my 38th year on this planet my eyes have been opened. I got out of a terrible mentally abusive cycle and did what was right for myself and the little dude.  In doing so I apparently opened myself up for opportunities that I didn't know were even a remote possibility.  I fell in love, hard. Not the kind of love that happens every day.  I found the kind of love that lights a fire  inside your soul,  that makes you long for that person, you miss their touch, the way they smell, their smile, feeling them next to you at night and the way they look at you.  You can't imagine a future without them because you just click so well: mentally, physically & emotionally.  My soulmate.

Sounds amazing,  right? Believe me.....it's beyond anything I'd ever dreamed of and the feeling is mutual. However, there's one problem. There's a bully in this relationship.  It's the voice in my head that still tells me I'm too fat, not attractive enough,  I say dumb things,  I'm too pale etc. The real problem is that often this bully speaks out loud. I don't even mean to do it.  My boyfriend tells me how beautiful I am, how much he wants me to be there with him and I say something dumb like "until you get sick of having me around". Not only does that lower my opinion of myself but it hurts him.  It devalues the amazing things he just said.  I didn't really understand it until this morning.  The picture in this post was what gave me my "a-ha" moment.  It made me realize I AM a bully. Even though it's me.....he has to watch this bully attack his beautiful girlfriend and he's powerless to stop it.

Even though I always say I'm joking my boyfriend knows me well enough to know there is pain & truth (from my perspective ) in what the bullying voice says. It hurts him.  I know that.  That's not fair to either of us.  I feel this way because of past relationships and is not fair to him to let their words influence our life together. 

Like I said,  seeing that quote today was an eye opener. My future is with this amazing man.  I've never felt so loved and cherished in my life so I'm going to avoid anything/everything the bully wants to say. I'm shutting that noisy bitch down. I'm not going to let the negative self speak impact me or him and I definitely won't let discount or contradict the amazing things he says about me.

Please know,  if you speak negatively about yourself,  STOP. It's not just you it's affecting. It hurts those closest to you,  your children,  your spouse/significant other and it's not true. It's a misconstrued notion that's been trapped in your psyche at some point in your life.  THOSE THOUGHTS DON'T DEFINE YOU.

From now on I'm ignoring that little bullying voice and I'm going to fight it with the positive qualities & traits I have that drew this gorgeous, caring man to me in the first place.  Without him and his love I wouldn't even have figured this out.  Love is powerful and we're all worthy of it.  If you think you're not,  turn that voice off NOW.

If you have questions or would like to talk about this stuff please hit me up on social media.  We all need someone to talk to sometimes.  No judgment.  Please,  right now.....write down 5 positive things about yourself.  I'll give you #1 YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.  Everyone is.  Embrace it. Love yourself.  Until you truly do you won't fully let yourself be loved by anyone else. 

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